"Who am I?" and  Other Random Thoughts

Good morning!  If you are reading this, then you are someone I love and I thank you for taking the time to read this.  I started a blog last January on My Fitness Pal, but unfortunately, if you aren't a participant on that website, you can't read it.  I found that very frustrating as I had a lot of people wanting to support me and no way for them to get to it.  I kept writing though for a couple of weeks, then had surgery---again, and I stopped altogether.  I am learning the hard way that weight loss and the whole process of getting healthy and improving yourself happens in layers, baby steps and, if done thoroughly, A LOT of mental work and introspection.  A result of this introspection process, I realized, that as a person who is quiet and non-talkative about things that either embarrass me or are close to my heart, I have successfully isolated myself from anyone and everyone who would support me on this road.  So, now, I have started up another blog that is public in order to encourage other people as well as receive encouragement.  People are not meant to be isolated.  God designed us to interact with each other and be inter-dependent upon one another for a reason.  There is strength in numbers.  I have learned this lesson the hard way in more than one area of my life.  If you have taken time out of your day to read this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

So, "Who am I?"  Hhmmm, this question came to me one day last month during my quiet time.  I have found that this question has many answers:  I am a child of the King, I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a caretaker, I am a cousin, I am a photographer, I am a woman who has been broken and repaired by God, I am a survivor, I am worthy of the same amount of effort I pour into members of my family, I am a woman on a journey.  You see, my immediate answers went something like: I am overweight, I am broken having had three surgeries in a nine month time span and still recovering, I am a woman who lives with chronic pain, I am a woman who can't even do her job some days as a homemaker due to the amount of pain I am in.  However, Jesus kept poking at me to dig deeper and I realized that there IS more to me.  I realized that I am of value just as any member of my family is.  I realized that if I truly believed that as a born again believer, my body is a temple of God, then I better start treating myself with the same kind of respect I show other people.  I am sure that all of this seems like a no brainer to you.  However, I have also learned that our hearts are like onions and there are layers.  Yes, I knew all this, to a point.  I lost ten pounds and my calorie intake got lowered.  That is the point where things seemed to fall apart.  I realized if I wanted to continue to work on strengthening my core, strengthening my shoulders (the shoulders are what got a total of three different surgeries), and thus losing weight, I would have to fight for it. 

There is a deadly trap out there that many different people, including myself, fall into:  All the people in your life take priority over you. Those of us who fall for that lie forget that if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of the people in our lives who depend on us.   For the last couple months about, I have had to figure out how and if I was going to work myself into my priority list.  It was at that point that God started to poke at me to answer the question "Who am I?" knowing that when I answered it, I would find the strength in Him to make myself a priority again and fight for my health.  

You might be asking at this point something like "What is going on that she has to fight for her health?". Well, two years ago, my mother went through some very serious health issues and had a couple major back surgeries.  I found at that time that I was burning the candle at both ends between her and my kids and husband and just couldn't spare any for me.  I quit working out, ate what was convenient and sounded good and put on quite a bit of weight.  Since then my mother has recovered quite nicely and is doing well.  Other family needs have come up with my husband and kids and I found it all too easy to, again, focus all my energy on them and none on me.  Then, in November of 2012, something happened that really changed things in my family for ever.  My shoulders were never attached correctly to my body, ever, and I had seen doctors in the past, and was put through p.t.  Just like my back, I was told I would have to live with it.  Well, my right shoulder snapped out and got stuck, AGAIN.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My tendons were too long to hold my shoulders in place and popping the tendons was common place for me as well as just popping completely out of joint.  This time, my shoulder wouldn't go back though.  That started a six month journey before my first surgery to correct the problem.  During that time, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia as well.  However, my doctor wanted to make certain he wasn't mis-diagnosing me so I went through SEVERAL blood tests (I started calling this particular specialist a vampire and found out I wasn't the only one who called him that), nerve tests and various other tests to rule all possibilities out.  For 16 months, I was forced to focus on myself for once.  During this time my kids lived with extended family here in town and I went to see them almost daily.  My husband's work is very stressful and demanding.  He would come home exhausted (which is normal) and would have to take care of me.  It was as if my body said "enough is enough" and my arms literally quit working.  The smallest movement would cause them to pop out and get stuck.  My surgeon found evidence of long term bone on bone rubbing in one of my shoulders.  He had no idea why I wasn't in his office screaming in pain years ago.  

My kids are home, and have been home for several months now, just to have my back spasm and lay me up again.  While this is a common occurrence, and has been for twelve years, I finally have doctors in my life who do not believe this is irreversible and I am now going through treatment to find out what is going on and to gain my life back.  I was in a horrific car accident twelve years ago and went through two years of therapy.  At the end I was told nothing was wrong with my back and I would have to learn to live with it.  During this twelve years, I have learned to sleep sitting up in a recliner, have slowly lost the ability to bend over, walk for any length, I do my best to avoid sitting in any vehicle except my own because the pain is less in my truck, or any kind of physical activity such as simple house cleaning tasks.  Oh, I do these things, but then I pay the price and am usually down in bed for a few days.  I get depressed, I get frustrated because I don't feel I have the time to deal with my own health issues and try to push them aside so I can focus on my family needs.  I get angry because I can't do things I did two years ago.  I get angry and impatient because it takes me twice as long to do a simple task as it takes my husband or anyone else.  I get angry that I have to rely on other people to help me around the house and to help me with my kids, forgetting that God has not called us to be isolated but to help each other and to be a blessing to each other, which can't be done if you isolate yourself.  Then I feel guilty because I have so much to be thankful for and know that there are people worse off than me so I should not feel any of these emotions and around the mulberry bush I go.  So, I have come to realize, that my life has changed forever, but God is still in control and He knew it would change.  The logical side of me also knows that this change is not necessarily a bad one either.  I have come to realize that if I want to get as healthy as I can, my journey needs to include my relationship with my Jesus, and my relationship with myself and both of those will effect my relationship with all of you including my kids and in the end will effect my physical health.  My shoulders are slowly healing, my back is very slowly healing and will continue to heal as I work with my specialist and P.T., but my Fibro won't go away and the need to change how I eat and how I live my life won't change.  So, I would be honored if you would join me on this journey to health, healing and discovery.  If there is anyway I can pray for you, or help you, I would be honored to do so, just let me know.  Again, if you are reading this, chances are you are someone dear to me and someone I pray for.  Thank you and many blessings.