Taking Care

Happy Friday!  How are you?  How was your week?  Mine has been interesting, um, yeah, that's the word!  LOL  To start this blog, I want to take you back a decade or two into my childhood/teen years and share with you a mind set I developed and allowed to permeate my whole being.  Now, I want to warn you it isn't pretty and I am not seeking compliments.  I am merely sharing a piece of my story:

I grew up believing that my sister, Charlane, had the corner on intelligence and music talent in our family.  I eventually developed the belief that I didn't have anything to offer the world and society.  I desperately wanted to be able to move out on my own and be independent when the time came.  Therefore, being a planner, I started looking ahead.  I realized, in my broken logic, that I would not have scholastics to offer any college or be able to rely on music talent for any scholarship.  However, I was a hard worker.  I could offer the world loyalty to any employer, the ability to learn, and the willingness to work as hard as I possibly could and get the job done and done well!!!  Thus, sprouted the belief that I wasn't smart and my entire self worth was built upon how hard I worked.  Well, as time went on, that thinking spurred me on to throw myself into my photography, like "work", if I was going to spend my time doing something, then I am going to work hard.  That was the key phrase, and I got a reputation in our small town of being dependable and hard working.   I earned a lot of awards and a lot of recognition in high school.  That thinking also pushed me to throw myself into my studies (working hard) and this person who didn't believe she was smart received several awards and recognitions through out high school and spent her entire high school carer either on the Superintendent's list or Honor Roll.  I know, it was a TINY school I went to.  However, our classes weren't breezes and we had the same scholastic standard as any big school.  I did earn scholastic scholarships for college and several awards and honors my senior year.  Unfortunately, no matter how many awards, (and I earned some that Charlane never earned) no matter what any of the respected adults in my life said, this girl STILL believed down in her core that she was stupid and her self-worth was only found in how hard she worked.  This belief followed me into adulthood.  

Now, I need to back up a little and explain something:  Fibromyalgia was in my body as a child.  I also have high functioning CP.  I know that many of you don't know I have CP.  That is because 1) I was mis-diagnosed as a child so my parents didn't get the support they should have and 2) it isn't something I talk about.  The CP is very mild and if you don't know what to look for in me, you won't see it.  However, the CP and the Fibro tend to play against each other and then things get a little dicy inside of me.  I don't know how else to explain it.  The CP causes muscle spams that irritate the Fibro and causes the Fibro to flare.  I have had both my whole life.  The Fibro wasn't as bad as a kid as it is now as a middle aged adult.  However, the pain has always been there to a point.  I also had shoulders that weren't attached correctly and they caused a lot of pain.  So, I developed this core thought process and pushed myself to work hard, whether it was scholastically, mowing lawns, working on the farm with dad, stacking wood or babysitting.  I always hurt.  I thought that was normal.  I taught myself to ignore the pain and to push.  So, for 20 plus years, I pushed and pushed.  I had a horrific car accident and I pushed through the added pain to recover.  I was a single mom at that point and I pushed to take care of my son and myself.  I pushed.

Slowly over time, God started working on me with my relationship with him.  The core thinking started to get adjusted and I found my identity in him.  I have realized that the pushing I did earlier in my life contributed to my body "falling apart" the last two and a half years because it said "enough!". With the help of people around me and my physical therapist, I am learning the difference between the "normal" pain and the "bad" pain that tells me something is injured.  I was told by my P.T. this week that reigning me in and keeping me at a slow pace and preventing me from hurting myself is the hardest part of her job.  I can't push anymore.  (She even took away my weights I use at home and once again, I am not allowed to use them for a while.)  It took a lot for me to cut my P.T. workout this week short when my body went into a flare.  It was a huge step for me to acknowledge that I had pushed too hard and I needed to sit out of a couple water classes and allow my body to heal and recover.  It took a lot for me to admit that I had pushed too hard - again - and ask my PT for guidance and help.  I am learning that sometimes the strongest and best course of action is to take it VERY slow and to NOT push.  I am learning the importance of self-care.  I praise God that HE is my identity.  I praise GOD that He will use us right where we are and that we don't have to prove ourselves to Him.  

This old way of thinking still rears it's ugly head from time to time.  I have MOMENTS where I think I am not intelligent, but they are only moments, not all the time.  This is HUGE for me.  This is a sign of God's healing in my life.  As He digs through the layers of my heart, the old way of thinking about hard work and pushing rears it's head and each time I conquer it a little faster than before and each time I am reminded of my true self worth.  I am learning a different kind of hard work:  the hard work of learning to listen to my body. 

So, this weekend will be filled with celebrations, playing, rest and gentle exercise.  Be good to yourself.  Happy Friday!