Good morning!  I have missed being on here between migraines and uncooperative internet, more time has passed than I wanted.

My last blog was all about identifying my biggest obstacle.  This entry is all about answers!  Yeah!  After seeing my PCP and Fibromyalgia specialist, it was determined that I originally was doing/eating what was recommended.    My PCP wants to back off of starchy carbs such as breads, corn, potatoes and pasta.  If I insist on having any of those in one of my meals, it needs to be a minimal serving only.  During my visit to him, he gave me two different perspectives that gave me "aha!" moments.  Before I went, I was feeling very frustrated because I couldn't keep my blood sugars from dropping dangerously low, I felt like all I was doing was eating and thus gaining weight and around the mulberry bush I kept going.

I have heard for most of my life the idea of grazing all day.  However, it was always presented to me as grazing little snacks and then you still had your three main meals.  The way my PCP presented to me was to get rid of the concept of three big meals and just have tiny meals or snacks all day and if I have to eat every 1.5 hours instead of every 2 or 3, that is ok too.  He wants me to view the three main meals as just snacks or slightly larger snacks.  You know what?  I don't know what happened, but that clicked in my head!!!  In one of my other blogs I think I mentioned struggling to stay under my calorie intake and not continually go over.  Well the next idea my PCP gave me was to take my total calorie intake for the day and then divide it between how many times I will eat all day and that is the number of calories per snack/meal I should have.  This has really helped!!!  For the first time in a long time I have felt in control of my "diet"/eating and not the other way around!  Isn't it funny how new perspectives can suddenly make you feel like you have the missing pieces and are free???

The last set of answers are actually goals set by me.  I have gone one week without emotionally eating.  So, as soon as I can, I am going to purchase a New King James Bible for my computer Bible.  (Right now with my eye problems due to some medication I have been on, the computer Bible is the only Bible I can read because I can enlarge it ridiculously large.)  That purchase is $5.  If I can go a second week, I will buy myself some music on iTunes.  For the third consecutive week, I will get myself a watch set from Cracker Barrel Restaurant.  They have a really cool interchangeable watch set.  I would buy one watch face and two bands.  If I can go five weeks in a row without any emotional eating or binging, then I will buy myself the computer edition of the New King James Study Bible for my Computer.  You see, I have found out that us humans are like our pets.  We need rewards, especially if we are changing habits.  I don't want to use food as reward, but these are all things I want/need and working towards them will make them all the sweeter.  (no pun intended)

I am encouraged and excited.  I feel like I can finally make some real progress on this journey finally!

Happy Monday!

I have been dragging my feet for a few weeks because I just didn't have anything really positive to talk about in this blog.  I have been in a dark place mentally and emotionally surrounding this vagueness called "getting healthy."  Then I was challenged by someone close and dear to me to write a blog post no matter my mind set because it might help someone else  to read about my struggles.  Then, after that challenge I was challenged by someone else who is very close to me to write a weekly post, again, no matter what mood I am in.  Hhhmm, so I got up the nerve to write and my internet was down....ALL weekend.  So, those of you who know me, know that I then stewed on what I was going to say ALL weekend.  Hahaha!!  So, here I am, and this post isn't going to be very upbeat, you have been warned.

Last night I was on line chatting with a special lady whom God dropped in my lap this summer, and I mentioned something about us humans being like onions and how we have different layers we have to go through.  I mentioned this in reference to me mentioning that this summer I was aware that God was taking me deeper and to new levels and I knew this was going to open up skeletons I needed to deal with around my eating and self control.  She said something very profound, yet very simple:  "Embrace it and move with the waves."  WOW!  I don't know why or how that hit the mark inside my heart, but it so resonated with me!  I woke up this morning and suddenly, writing this blog and dealing with the new layer of skeletons in this area didn't seem depressing or overwhelming.  It was like a bucket of ice water hitting my face.  Yeah, yeah, I know, mind set is half the battle.  I find life very overwhelming lately and this was just one more thing added to my overwhelming life I needed to spend energy on and the feeling of being overwhelmed just well, took over.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I was doing just fine until my calorie level went down due to me losing weight.  Since that time I haven't seemed to be able to "get with it" and "stay with it" consistently.  I have been doing some digging and tracking to try to figure out what is going on.  I know that I am a person who eats their emotions. Yet, I thought I had that under control.  The problem was that I knew, all along, what the issue was.  I just wasn't willing to admit or deal with it.  Yeah, well, I am now and all I can say is that I am glad I don't have to look any of you in the eye while I say this.  I binge eat.  The binge eating could be just a bowl of regular ice cream or it could be several things that I am eating when I am not hungry, but I am feeling emotional so I eat.  I am including the example of a simple bowl of ice cream because I love ice cream, but I don't eat regular ice cream most of the time since being diabetic.  So if I am eating even one bowl of regular ice cream and it isn't anyone's birthday, I am eating emotionally.  I eat emotionally.  And I binge eat.  I don't binge eat until I throw up, but I when I am "binging" (that may not be the right word), I am eating even when I know I am full and I have been known to cause stomach aches.  I don't always feel like I can stop eating.   I didn't think I did that anymore.  I thought I had that under control.  Well, I guess I did on one level.  Now, it is time to go deeper and I am seeing sides of me I really want changed.   I have the complication of medications really causing problems with my blood sugar levels thrown in on top of this issue.  I am embarrassed to admit this and as I type this I want to hide my head in shame.  However, at the same time, I have the "embrace it and move with the waves" repeating itself in my head and a peace that only comes from God surrounding me.  Secrecy is a big thing with me.  If I don't say anything then I am not held accountable and then I struggle even more.  Writing this and getting it out there is huge for me.  I know God is walking with me and together, this Goliath will be slayed!!  Getting healthy can't just be your physical health, it also has to include your emotional health as well or the physical won't last.  I know this for a fact!!!

Taking Care

Happy Friday!  How are you?  How was your week?  Mine has been interesting, um, yeah, that's the word!  LOL  To start this blog, I want to take you back a decade or two into my childhood/teen years and share with you a mind set I developed and allowed to permeate my whole being.  Now, I want to warn you it isn't pretty and I am not seeking compliments.  I am merely sharing a piece of my story:

I grew up believing that my sister, Charlane, had the corner on intelligence and music talent in our family.  I eventually developed the belief that I didn't have anything to offer the world and society.  I desperately wanted to be able to move out on my own and be independent when the time came.  Therefore, being a planner, I started looking ahead.  I realized, in my broken logic, that I would not have scholastics to offer any college or be able to rely on music talent for any scholarship.  However, I was a hard worker.  I could offer the world loyalty to any employer, the ability to learn, and the willingness to work as hard as I possibly could and get the job done and done well!!!  Thus, sprouted the belief that I wasn't smart and my entire self worth was built upon how hard I worked.  Well, as time went on, that thinking spurred me on to throw myself into my photography, like "work", if I was going to spend my time doing something, then I am going to work hard.  That was the key phrase, and I got a reputation in our small town of being dependable and hard working.   I earned a lot of awards and a lot of recognition in high school.  That thinking also pushed me to throw myself into my studies (working hard) and this person who didn't believe she was smart received several awards and recognitions through out high school and spent her entire high school carer either on the Superintendent's list or Honor Roll.  I know, it was a TINY school I went to.  However, our classes weren't breezes and we had the same scholastic standard as any big school.  I did earn scholastic scholarships for college and several awards and honors my senior year.  Unfortunately, no matter how many awards, (and I earned some that Charlane never earned) no matter what any of the respected adults in my life said, this girl STILL believed down in her core that she was stupid and her self-worth was only found in how hard she worked.  This belief followed me into adulthood.  

Now, I need to back up a little and explain something:  Fibromyalgia was in my body as a child.  I also have high functioning CP.  I know that many of you don't know I have CP.  That is because 1) I was mis-diagnosed as a child so my parents didn't get the support they should have and 2) it isn't something I talk about.  The CP is very mild and if you don't know what to look for in me, you won't see it.  However, the CP and the Fibro tend to play against each other and then things get a little dicy inside of me.  I don't know how else to explain it.  The CP causes muscle spams that irritate the Fibro and causes the Fibro to flare.  I have had both my whole life.  The Fibro wasn't as bad as a kid as it is now as a middle aged adult.  However, the pain has always been there to a point.  I also had shoulders that weren't attached correctly and they caused a lot of pain.  So, I developed this core thought process and pushed myself to work hard, whether it was scholastically, mowing lawns, working on the farm with dad, stacking wood or babysitting.  I always hurt.  I thought that was normal.  I taught myself to ignore the pain and to push.  So, for 20 plus years, I pushed and pushed.  I had a horrific car accident and I pushed through the added pain to recover.  I was a single mom at that point and I pushed to take care of my son and myself.  I pushed.

Slowly over time, God started working on me with my relationship with him.  The core thinking started to get adjusted and I found my identity in him.  I have realized that the pushing I did earlier in my life contributed to my body "falling apart" the last two and a half years because it said "enough!". With the help of people around me and my physical therapist, I am learning the difference between the "normal" pain and the "bad" pain that tells me something is injured.  I was told by my P.T. this week that reigning me in and keeping me at a slow pace and preventing me from hurting myself is the hardest part of her job.  I can't push anymore.  (She even took away my weights I use at home and once again, I am not allowed to use them for a while.)  It took a lot for me to cut my P.T. workout this week short when my body went into a flare.  It was a huge step for me to acknowledge that I had pushed too hard and I needed to sit out of a couple water classes and allow my body to heal and recover.  It took a lot for me to admit that I had pushed too hard - again - and ask my PT for guidance and help.  I am learning that sometimes the strongest and best course of action is to take it VERY slow and to NOT push.  I am learning the importance of self-care.  I praise God that HE is my identity.  I praise GOD that He will use us right where we are and that we don't have to prove ourselves to Him.  

This old way of thinking still rears it's ugly head from time to time.  I have MOMENTS where I think I am not intelligent, but they are only moments, not all the time.  This is HUGE for me.  This is a sign of God's healing in my life.  As He digs through the layers of my heart, the old way of thinking about hard work and pushing rears it's head and each time I conquer it a little faster than before and each time I am reminded of my true self worth.  I am learning a different kind of hard work:  the hard work of learning to listen to my body. 

So, this weekend will be filled with celebrations, playing, rest and gentle exercise.  Be good to yourself.  Happy Friday!  

"Who am I?" and  Other Random Thoughts

Good morning!  If you are reading this, then you are someone I love and I thank you for taking the time to read this.  I started a blog last January on My Fitness Pal, but unfortunately, if you aren't a participant on that website, you can't read it.  I found that very frustrating as I had a lot of people wanting to support me and no way for them to get to it.  I kept writing though for a couple of weeks, then had surgery---again, and I stopped altogether.  I am learning the hard way that weight loss and the whole process of getting healthy and improving yourself happens in layers, baby steps and, if done thoroughly, A LOT of mental work and introspection.  A result of this introspection process, I realized, that as a person who is quiet and non-talkative about things that either embarrass me or are close to my heart, I have successfully isolated myself from anyone and everyone who would support me on this road.  So, now, I have started up another blog that is public in order to encourage other people as well as receive encouragement.  People are not meant to be isolated.  God designed us to interact with each other and be inter-dependent upon one another for a reason.  There is strength in numbers.  I have learned this lesson the hard way in more than one area of my life.  If you have taken time out of your day to read this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  

So, "Who am I?"  Hhmmm, this question came to me one day last month during my quiet time.  I have found that this question has many answers:  I am a child of the King, I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a caretaker, I am a cousin, I am a photographer, I am a woman who has been broken and repaired by God, I am a survivor, I am worthy of the same amount of effort I pour into members of my family, I am a woman on a journey.  You see, my immediate answers went something like: I am overweight, I am broken having had three surgeries in a nine month time span and still recovering, I am a woman who lives with chronic pain, I am a woman who can't even do her job some days as a homemaker due to the amount of pain I am in.  However, Jesus kept poking at me to dig deeper and I realized that there IS more to me.  I realized that I am of value just as any member of my family is.  I realized that if I truly believed that as a born again believer, my body is a temple of God, then I better start treating myself with the same kind of respect I show other people.  I am sure that all of this seems like a no brainer to you.  However, I have also learned that our hearts are like onions and there are layers.  Yes, I knew all this, to a point.  I lost ten pounds and my calorie intake got lowered.  That is the point where things seemed to fall apart.  I realized if I wanted to continue to work on strengthening my core, strengthening my shoulders (the shoulders are what got a total of three different surgeries), and thus losing weight, I would have to fight for it. 

There is a deadly trap out there that many different people, including myself, fall into:  All the people in your life take priority over you. Those of us who fall for that lie forget that if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of the people in our lives who depend on us.   For the last couple months about, I have had to figure out how and if I was going to work myself into my priority list.  It was at that point that God started to poke at me to answer the question "Who am I?" knowing that when I answered it, I would find the strength in Him to make myself a priority again and fight for my health.  

You might be asking at this point something like "What is going on that she has to fight for her health?". Well, two years ago, my mother went through some very serious health issues and had a couple major back surgeries.  I found at that time that I was burning the candle at both ends between her and my kids and husband and just couldn't spare any for me.  I quit working out, ate what was convenient and sounded good and put on quite a bit of weight.  Since then my mother has recovered quite nicely and is doing well.  Other family needs have come up with my husband and kids and I found it all too easy to, again, focus all my energy on them and none on me.  Then, in November of 2012, something happened that really changed things in my family for ever.  My shoulders were never attached correctly to my body, ever, and I had seen doctors in the past, and was put through p.t.  Just like my back, I was told I would have to live with it.  Well, my right shoulder snapped out and got stuck, AGAIN.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My tendons were too long to hold my shoulders in place and popping the tendons was common place for me as well as just popping completely out of joint.  This time, my shoulder wouldn't go back though.  That started a six month journey before my first surgery to correct the problem.  During that time, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia as well.  However, my doctor wanted to make certain he wasn't mis-diagnosing me so I went through SEVERAL blood tests (I started calling this particular specialist a vampire and found out I wasn't the only one who called him that), nerve tests and various other tests to rule all possibilities out.  For 16 months, I was forced to focus on myself for once.  During this time my kids lived with extended family here in town and I went to see them almost daily.  My husband's work is very stressful and demanding.  He would come home exhausted (which is normal) and would have to take care of me.  It was as if my body said "enough is enough" and my arms literally quit working.  The smallest movement would cause them to pop out and get stuck.  My surgeon found evidence of long term bone on bone rubbing in one of my shoulders.  He had no idea why I wasn't in his office screaming in pain years ago.  

My kids are home, and have been home for several months now, just to have my back spasm and lay me up again.  While this is a common occurrence, and has been for twelve years, I finally have doctors in my life who do not believe this is irreversible and I am now going through treatment to find out what is going on and to gain my life back.  I was in a horrific car accident twelve years ago and went through two years of therapy.  At the end I was told nothing was wrong with my back and I would have to learn to live with it.  During this twelve years, I have learned to sleep sitting up in a recliner, have slowly lost the ability to bend over, walk for any length, I do my best to avoid sitting in any vehicle except my own because the pain is less in my truck, or any kind of physical activity such as simple house cleaning tasks.  Oh, I do these things, but then I pay the price and am usually down in bed for a few days.  I get depressed, I get frustrated because I don't feel I have the time to deal with my own health issues and try to push them aside so I can focus on my family needs.  I get angry because I can't do things I did two years ago.  I get angry and impatient because it takes me twice as long to do a simple task as it takes my husband or anyone else.  I get angry that I have to rely on other people to help me around the house and to help me with my kids, forgetting that God has not called us to be isolated but to help each other and to be a blessing to each other, which can't be done if you isolate yourself.  Then I feel guilty because I have so much to be thankful for and know that there are people worse off than me so I should not feel any of these emotions and around the mulberry bush I go.  So, I have come to realize, that my life has changed forever, but God is still in control and He knew it would change.  The logical side of me also knows that this change is not necessarily a bad one either.  I have come to realize that if I want to get as healthy as I can, my journey needs to include my relationship with my Jesus, and my relationship with myself and both of those will effect my relationship with all of you including my kids and in the end will effect my physical health.  My shoulders are slowly healing, my back is very slowly healing and will continue to heal as I work with my specialist and P.T., but my Fibro won't go away and the need to change how I eat and how I live my life won't change.  So, I would be honored if you would join me on this journey to health, healing and discovery.  If there is anyway I can pray for you, or help you, I would be honored to do so, just let me know.  Again, if you are reading this, chances are you are someone dear to me and someone I pray for.  Thank you and many blessings.